I did the Ugly Cry
Social Media Posts and blogs are all about the 'happy" times. But I'm going to be extremely vulnerable here for a moment. Last week I made a very important phone call. The anxiety that led up to that call was horrible. The release at the end of the call well that's where the ugly cry took place. Not so much from the call but the pent up thought's, feelings, excuses and stories I had been telling my self for years.
I forced my hand at stepping outside of my comfort zone. By doing something I knew I had to do. It was time. Time to face reality, time to face the truth, time to get past this hold that has clutched my soul for many years.
As I began my spiritual lifestyle transformation many years ago I stumbled upon this glorious book 'May Cause Miracles' and although it has changed my life in many ways there is one part that I always skipped over. Why? Because it wasn't something I was ready to face just yet. I felt it brewing and knew it would eventually be brought to the forefront. The shift was beginning.
When I was in my teens and my early twenties I was a highly competitive gymnast. There were constant weigh-ins (in front of my teammates, probably for shaming purposes) and body fat percentage check in's. I was always off the charts on the doctors scale due to the muscle mass that you have as a gymnast. Let's not even get started on what the media has shoved in front us that has influenced so many on body image. This lead to constant new ways of discovering how to lose weight or just maintain weight (very rarely were they healthy choices)
I was never one of the tiny girls. I'm short yes. Five foot two and a quarter to be exact. I'm full or big boned as I used to like to refer to it. I had a nick name from the coaches as 'Thunder Thighs' because of my power, and in High School my nickname was the 'Incredible Hulk' because of my muscular stature. There was one particular moment at a gymnastic competition that forever shaped the way I looked at myself. I was 15. In the midst of the change of life so my body was changing. I recall this moment when I heard one of the coaches say to his gymnast 'look at that girl. That's so disrespectful to her coach'. My body was changing, I felt it and had no control over what it was doing. Saddlebags decided to come thru, a bit of a bloated belly due to my period. Say what you want to say. Tell me I shouldn't let that bother me. It would not have made a difference. That coaches voice has stuck in my head all these years.
I wanted to run. Run far away and never show my body to the world again. I wanted to crawl in hole. How was I disrespectful? It was just me showing up to do my thing. The best way I could. I truly meant no harm. I was still trying to figure out life, who I was and how I fit in. Not only was I embarrassed and ashamed, I was confused and this made me angry. From that point forward it was an issue for me to put on my gym leotard. I would wear shorts or my warm up pants to cover up my thunder thighs until the last second. Even today I wear long shirts to cover my bottom in hopes to camouflage my discomfort for my self image.
Needless to say weight issues and body image have been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. Hey there's a new diet in town! This will be the one. I just know it. Eat this don't eat that. Try this magic pill! That's too much, no salt, low-salt, low-fat, no-fat, low sodium and the list goes on and on. Hell I even tried the ice cream and banana diet! That was fun.
The voices you hear inside of your head are a constant chatter every time you look in the cupboard or the refrigerator, every time you put something up to your mouth, every time you lift the fork. I would hear "you don't nee that", "You shouldn't eat that" It sucks and it's tiring. I'm exhausted. I am DONE!
I tried to make sure I never instilled these awful food issues on to my children but I find it ironic that my son is a personal trainer. Hmmmm? And my daughter has many of the same distorted issues as myself. However, they battled this issue from a different angle. To watch them capture the essence of understanding food and it's real purpose. To be in shape without the struggle (for the most part, we are being real after all), to see this is amazing. Honestly, I was very proud but in the same breath enviousness. I kept telling myself this is me. This is the way it's to be. It's my age, it's menopause. I'm officially a Grandma so why not look like the text book Grandma. Not that there is anything wrong with the textbook grandma (I have body image issues remember?) I kept telling myself the same old stories over and over until I actual believed these as my truth.
When I was re-introduced to Gabby Bernstein's book 'May Cause Miracles' this past summer in preparation for Spirit Junkie Masterclass 2, I knew this was going to be my next big hurdle. I knew this was going to be the next thing I tackle head on. I have done a lot of self healing in the past few years with my writing and courses but I realize there was still something holding me back from truly doing the work I have been called to do. If I couldn't heal myself of my biggest abuse (yes this is abuse), my biggest addiction (and yes this is an addiction) while going through this book how am I supposed to guide you to heal yourselves?
In preparation for premiering this book in course format in February, I was beginning to doubt the validity of what I am about to do. I was feeling like an impostor. How am I going to teach this one chapter if I got stuck? How am I suppose to show you how to work through this barrier or any other if I can't tackle my biggest issue?
Spirit has a funny way of guiding us in the direction we need to go. So here I am today being vulnerable for you to show you that it's okay. No matter what your story, no matter what your situation there is hope, there is support, and there is love. You are not alone. I have broken through many barriers to come out the other side happier than ever. This course has changed my life. Even if you think you are already happy, what's wrong with taking that happy to the next level?
I made an important call that day last week. A call that has already begun to transform my mindset on the true me. The call was with a nutrition coach (yes, even coaches need coaches) to help guide me to change my perception on food. To co-create a new way of living and transform my ugly cry of pent up years of anxiety from food and body image into that of self-love, self-worth, and self-respect!
Have I found my happiness? Yes, but what's wrong with discovering even more? Why? Because with all the healing work that has taken place through the last few years I finely understand that the ugly cry can turn into tears of joy and I believe that I'm worth it.
Learn more about my new course 'May Cause Miracles'. A 6 week course based on NY Times Best Selling Author Gabrielle Bernstein's 40-day guidebook of subtle shifts for radical change & unlimited happiness. click here
This course will help you create beautiful, radical change by adding up subtle shifts every day of every week. Through each new chapter you will learn how one simple shift can begin to reshape your life in profound ways. You will see when you begin to choose a loving view point along with compassion, understanding and acceptance, see more of what this course covers here.....