I called BS on my Spiritual Practice (A three-part series)

And it’s not the first time and probably won’t be the last. It was a Saturday morning when I first woke that I received this message from my angels as I often do through a symbol. It was a cloud with the word ‘overwhelm’ inside. The cloud was full and fluffy with a clear blue sky in the background. I thought ‘wow, what a great idea for my social media post this morning’. 

The world is currently revolving in a cloud of overwhelm. Through all of the worldwide current events including extreme isolations never experienced before. We all are trying to figure it out. To keep families afloat, our businesses going,  and our health in a good state.  Including our state of mind. I thanked my angels for the beautiful idea not realizing it was a huge warning for what was about to come. 

I have created a powerful spiritual practice over the years. My three favorite modalities that I have come to love with a passion to receive guidance, answers, inspiration, and support are meditation, journaling, and oracle cards.  Each day I begin in the same way with three magical thank you’s. To start the day in a space of gratitude for what was, what is, and what’s about to come. Today was no different as I awoke with this thought of overwhelm. My angel team gave me insight for inspiration. So I thought. I thanked them as I moved forward with my day. 

My husband Todd and I went for a long morning walk as I could feel this weird energy begin its descent into the energetic field of my aura. Typically a very happy space especially after all the years of creating a well balanced lifestyle through my spiritual practice. As I asked for protection from my angels to deflect this emotional override it was to no avail. Throughout the walk, things started to get uncomfortable. I was feeling anxious, irritated, and annoyed. I was getting sucked into this vortex of energy and it wasn't going to let up. 

Todd asked me a few times what was going on? Did I want to talk? The anxiety within begins to rise because now I know he is feeling whatever this energy is as it is latching onto me for dear life.  Immediately my response was ‘no not really’. How could I talk about something that I couldn’t yet explain? In my mind, I was pointing the fingers of blame to all the possibilities of why would I be feeling this way? After all, I genuinely am an upbeat happy person. Typically I look at myself first but wasn’t ready to claim responsibility for my own feelings yet. 

I need to meditate when I get back home, I recalled thinking to myself. With it being the weekend Todd was off from work. Being home my morning routine sometimes gets dismantled but doesn’t typically throw me for such a loop. My heart palpitating, my anxiety rising, the walk wasn’t relaxing and neither was the rest of the day. 

The next morning I arose to the day in the same way as usual but feeling confused about what just happened. What was still lingering? It didn’t feel good and I wanted nothing to do with it. I kept ignoring the signs. If I ignore it it will go away. (not something I would tell my clients) This feeling of overwhelm had attached itself to me and I had to shake it. This ride of emotions drove me straight into Monday as I am in my office channeling messages for social media, emails, and my evening meditation class. 

I was on a roll! The creativity was flowing like a faucet yet my heart rate was still racing. I continued to feel the lingering of this heavy energy. It had not released its grip. Even though my meditation and morning rituals. It seemed to only heighten my awareness as I was disregarding the warning signals. 

All my work for the week was now complete. I remember thinking to myself what’s next? What projects are we working on today? Then it happened!

I went into this fog-like state of being with my hand on the computer mouse being guided by something far more powerful than me. My mind literally goes blank. The mouse begins to click on all fifteen or so tabs opened on my laptop (don’t judge). Closing them one at a time. The last tab gets closed out, my left-hand reaches for the top of my laptop as it shuts it down.  I hear the words 'you're done’! Loud and clear. Outloud I respond with ‘I can't do it anymore. I just can’t do it anymore’. I knew it was time for a break. 

As I was going downstairs to get some lunch I realized that this experience was not driven by me but it felt good. It released a little bit of energy. Before I could make my lunch my husband calls to see how my day is going. I said ‘Great. Super productive and just breaking for lunch.’ He says ‘you sound better, I’m glad you’re back’. I was faking my uprise.  When the call was complete I immediately dropped to the kitchen floor in a fatigued collapse filled with long hysterical cries. 

Sitting on the floor sobbing I think to myself, ‘Oh shit, here we go again.’ It’s been a while since a breakdown like this. As my initial thought is OK what’s the lesson? Ride the wave, feel the feels, it will be over soon and you’ll be raring to go. I knew better than to resist this type of force. The best thing for me was to surrender to the power.  My bed was calling my name.

I mustered up some energy to go upstairs and say hello to my bed. As I laid there in disbelief of this happening, again, I’m thinking -- I’m doing the work. I love my work.  I’m being consistent, I’m serving others, I’m serving myself, I’m gaining momentum, I’m creative, I’m having fun! What the eff is this all about? 

part two ... click here

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Hours:

Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more 800-273-8255

Depression Assistance  1-866-295-8541 https://www.mentalhelp.net/depression/hotline/

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