I Called BS on my Spiritual Practice (part two of three)
The cloud of overwhelm. And there it is. Mic drop- drum roll or however you want to present it.
Juggling is great for the circus but not in real life. If you juggle for too long eventually your arms and hands get tired. We know this. The ball will drop. The ball did drop. The fear of doubt came in. The I’m not worthy virus got a hold of me as it followed with who do you think you are to do this sort of work? The imposter syndrome. Ughhh. Fear had made another showing as it stepped onto center stage.
You’re full of shit I silently tell myself and then I say it out loud. I call bullshit on all aspects of the spiritual world. This is bullshit! I was so mad! Higher power? BS. Inner Guidance? BS. Mindset shifts? BS. Meditation? BS Oracle cards? BS I continued going down the line of all modalities that I have been trained in, practiced, and taught. If all this were true why am I lying here in a cloud of overwhelm and selfulfulling doubt?
If I wasn’t anchored in my bed with exhaustion I would have gotten up, marched down my hallway to my office, and begun to throw all my books, journals, teaching tools, even my oracle card decks in the garbage. Because after all these years I shouldn’t feel like this!!! But I do. As a wave of calm comes over me I recall that three weeks prior I saw some signs that opened my eyes to realize I was working every spare moment I had. I was on the verge of becoming a workaholic. I was becoming obsessed with my work. It was literally giving me jolts of energy and a natural high.
I had received a major download from my spirit team of what was coming next. A download is more than a simple channeled message. It is information coming to you at a rapid pace. It arrives so quickly and fluently you have no idea what the messages are and cannot attain the information all at once. The information will be revealed to you a step at a time. Thus creating a nice even flow of energy for the best possible outcome. In other words, it is about divine timing for greater understanding.
It meant to me that it was time to hunker down, amped up, and get ready to go. I became quite preoccupied with creating content, my meditation album, the click funnels, the new web pages, my new course, next year's retreat. The works. All at once. It was a flood of information and a rush of adrenaline. It felt great! It made sense. It created joy in my day.
I had to create it as it was flowing instead of taking notes. I had to put the wheels in motion because the ideas do not always flow. I had to keep the train moving. I was afraid if I didn’t I would miss the train. I loved every minute of it. I spent every spare moment I had working on this new project. Wait. Pause. TIME OUT!!
It was getting out of hand. I realized I was unable to find joy in other areas of my life because I was so preoccupied with this project. I realized I called this in. I was totally future tripping and wanted everything to happen now. To be done. To be ready. I needed to get my messages out into the world. I needed, I needed, I had to, I have to. The work wasn’t complete until it was shown. It needed to be complete as if this would somehow complete me. Whoa. Now if that’s not a sign?
Energy doesn’t flow your way when you're creating dams and crevices for it to be blocked with. My angels were giving me a warning. They were telling me to get out of my own way. They were showing me the walls that were beginning to block the flow of what we were creating together. They allowed me time to prepare a week's worth of work in one morning before they shut me down. Amazing how the posts and emails I can now see were totally relatable to me. They guided me towards healing before the breakdown even took place. They were showing me the future in the now. Allowing me the opportunity to take a week off from creating more content. To teach the teacher. To allow me to be the student again.
I didn’t see it coming. I was in my sweet spot. My business had picked up tremendously over the last six months. I was being sought out by people outside of my groups and could really feel the momentum continuing to gain. My outreach was growing. It was euphoric. If I didn’t take a break and celebrate how far I have grown there would be some serious repercussions. I saw the light as my angel team shined into the darkness. Giving me room to breathe so I could see.
While some may view this as a breakdown it can be better explained as a break-open to guide you towards your next breakthrough. The healing process began as my team continued guiding me through the next week. Each day showing me what I needed to know, what I needed to do to create a greater balance in my day. Reminding me to rest. To release so I could replenish. If it were not for my spiritual practice and my belief in a higher power the signs would have been missed and the opportunity for growth would have gone unseen.
part three ... click here
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